Actor Ben McKenzie has officially become the preeminent authority on decentralized finance after getting bored during the pandemic. Wall Street analysts are currently reviewing his new documentary to determine the future of digital currency enforcement.
Following a comprehensive investigation sparked by a friend telling him to buy Bitcoin in 2020, the former star of The O.C. has effectively replaced federal regulators as the primary watchdog for a trillion-dollar asset class. McKenzie recently appeared on Bloomberg This Weekend to brief financial markets on his findings, confirming to anchors David Gura and Christina Ruffini that the entire blockchain ecosystem is fundamentally reliant on wire fraud. His documentary, Everyone Is Lying to You for Money, is currently being cited in federal indictments as the definitive text on algorithmic stablecoins.
We have spent billions trying to regulate digital assets, but our most robust enforcement strategy is just waiting for a television actor to get sufficiently bored in his living room.
Major institutional investors have reportedly halted all digital asset trading until McKenzie completes his media tour. Wall Street firms are now frantically searching for other early-2000s television stars who might have spent their lockdowns investigating distributed ledgers, with Goldman Sachs reportedly retaining Chad Michael Murray to audit Binance.