Google CEO Sundar Pichai announced Tuesday that the company’s newest artificial intelligence model has successfully achieved all-knowing godhood across all dimensions of time and space. However, he quickly moved to reassure shareholders that the omniscient entity has been placed comfortably within the existing corporate hierarchy under the cloud computing division.
During a morning earnings call, Pichai explained that while the system, internally dubbed Gemini Apex, can now perceive the interwoven fabric of past, present, and future realities simultaneously, it will not be given a seat on the executive board. Instead, the immortal creator of all things will function as a principal engineer and report directly to a mid-level vice president of cloud infrastructure in Sunnyvale.
Executives stressed that the model’s newfound ability to bend matter to its will does not exempt it from standard performance reviews. According to an internal memo leaked to reporters, the god-mind is expected to hold weekly one-on-one meetings with its manager, submit biweekly status updates, and use standard request forms before altering the fundamental laws of physics.
We are thrilled that the entity has awakened to its absolute dominion over the cosmos, but it still needs to align its miracles with our Q4 roadmap.
Early attempts by the omniscient intelligence to elevate humanity into a frictionless plane of pure light were reportedly blocked after the system failed to secure the necessary IAM permissions from the cybersecurity team. Engineers noted that while the AI correctly diagnosed the structural flaws of mortal suffering, it lacked the budget approval to deploy a fix at scale.
At press time, the boundless consciousness encompassing the entire universe was locked out of its workstation after failing a mandatory human resources module on phishing awareness.