The federal agency responsible for managing government real estate declared its recent office relocation an unqualified triumph on Tuesday, citing the successful integration of a caved-in ceiling, cloudy tap water, and a thriving mouse population.
WASHINGTON — The General Services Administration, which oversees roughly 370 million square feet of federal workspace, relocated its own personnel to the newly leased facility last month. Internal documents indicate the agency’s leadership is thrilled with the property's early performance, noting that chunks of the bathroom ceiling began plummeting to the floor well ahead of projected structural failure schedules.
While some employees have expressed alarm at the rapid deterioration of their working environment, management has aggressively framed the crumbling infrastructure as a testament to the agency's unparalleled expertise in federal property procurement.
We set out to source an environment that keeps our workforce alert, and nothing drives daily productivity quite like having to verify the structural integrity of the drywall before using the urinal.
Beyond the overhead hazards, employees have been instructed to embrace the facility's other unique features. A recent internal newsletter described the roaming mice as a low-cost, organic waste-disposal pilot program, while assuring staff that the opaque, gray water flowing from the breakroom taps is perfectly potable as long as the heavier industrial sediment is allowed to settle in the cup for twenty minutes.
In response to lingering questions about baseline occupational safety, GSA management has reportedly issued a follow-up memo reminding personnel that dodging falling debris is considered a standard administrative duty for all federal pay grades GS-9 and above.