Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth announced Thursday that the Pentagon will pivot its primary strategic focus from conventional warfare readiness to the mass deployment of medically unadvised endocrine manipulation.
The sweeping initiative, designed to mandate a "High-T" military, will require all active-duty personnel to undergo mandatory testosterone replacement regardless of their baseline bloodwork or tactical specialty. To fund the program, the Department of Defense has reportedly paused procurement of next-generation artillery to secure a $4.2 billion supply chain of synthetic androgens, topical gels, and unregulated dietary powders sourced from a warehouse in Boca Raton.
We are prepared to field a fighting force that is highly aggressive, entirely bald by 24, and fundamentally incapable of passing a standard cardiovascular screening.
Medical professionals across the armed services have warned that universally prescribing heavy anabolic compounds creates a clinical minefield, noting that synchronized bouts of severe cystic acne and resting hypertension do not traditionally improve drone-piloting metrics. Hegseth dismissed the concerns during a morning briefing, explaining that a battalion suffering from collective, chemically induced mood swings is exactly the deterrent required to intimidate near-peer adversaries.
The Veterans Affairs administration is already requesting emergency funding to handle the anticipated surge of early-onset coronary artery disease. Meanwhile, military tailors have been instructed to immediately update dress uniform regulations to accommodate the sudden, widespread development of glandular breast tissue among top-ranking admirals.