Moving quickly to calm investor anxieties ahead of a major leadership transition, Apple Inc. executives assured shareholders Tuesday that incoming CEO John Ternus intends to sink the company's massive cash stockpile into entirely new, unprecedented multi-billion-dollar dead ends.
CUPERTINO, CA—Moving quickly to calm investor anxieties ahead of a major leadership transition, Apple Inc. executives assured shareholders Tuesday that incoming CEO John Ternus intends to sink the company's massive $162 billion cash stockpile into entirely new, unprecedented multi-billion-dollar dead ends.
While outgoing CEO Tim Cook famously spent ten years and $10 billion on a scrapped electric vehicle program, Ternus reportedly plans to invest differently, bypassing automotive failures entirely. Internal documents suggest the new chief executive will instead funnel unprecedented capital into abandoned smart home robotics and unreleased augmented reality visors that induce immediate, incurable vertigo.
Tim was a master of the slow, methodical ten-year capital bleed, but John has a fundamentally different vision for how to vaporize corporate assets.
The shift in investment strategy coincides with early internal previews of iOS 27. Under Ternus’s new spending directive, Apple has reportedly diverted $40 billion to ensure the upcoming operating system features a completely un-hideable home screen widget that strictly displays the user's ongoing cellular decay, which cannot be disabled without purchasing a new proprietary dongle.
Wall Street analysts reacted positively to the transition, noting that Ternus's commitment to quietly burying $50 billion research initiatives in a subterranean Cupertino vault ensures the tech giant will remain a dominant force in market-leading waste for decades to come.