Seeking to foster continuous professional engagement throughout the darker winter months, the LinkedIn algorithm has reportedly begun aggressively prompting users to share updates regarding their low-grade seasonal depression. The Microsoft-owned platform is now sending push notifications encouraging members to congratulate connections on their recent prolonged periods of staring blankly out the window.
Users logging into the professional networking site this week reported seeing automated suggestions to "Celebrate Sarah's 3-month anniversary of sleeping until noon on weekends," alongside pop-up dialogues urging them to endorse former colleagues for "Lethargy" and "Unexplained Weeping." The platform's machine-learning model has apparently categorized the annual drop in serotonin as a key Q4 deliverable, treating an inability to fold laundry as an ongoing project that requires weekly status reports.
We realized our members were experiencing a significant drop in traditional career momentum between November and February, so we retrained the model to recognize quiet, existential dread as a high-engagement leadership skill.
The software update also includes several new profile customization options to better surface seasonal affective disorder to prospective employers. Members can now apply a muted gray "Open To Staring At The Ceiling" ring to their profile pictures, and the messaging interface has been updated with automated quick-replies such as, "Thrilled to announce I am entering my hibernation era," and "Thanks, I haven't felt joy since Daylight Saving Time ended."
At press time, LinkedIn Premium subscribers were reportedly receiving alerts that 14 recruiters had recently viewed their midday crying spell in the company parking lot.