In the ongoing industry quest to eliminate microscopic ounces from marathon gear, Nike has debuted a sub-zero-ounce sneaker. Early testing indicates the carbon-plated footwear shatters world records provided a runner does not step inside it.
Following the success of the Alphafly 3 at the London Marathon, Nike and Adidas have escalated the footwear arms race toward absolute weightlessness. The newest iteration of the Nike Vaporfly utilizes a proprietary aerogel foam and a woven upper so lacking in mass that the shoe must be tethered to a laboratory desk to prevent it from drifting into the upper atmosphere. Engineers noted that while the carbon-fiber plate is perfectly calibrated for sub-two-hour marathon paces, the primary obstacle to faster times remains the runner.
We spent hundreds of millions of dollars shaving four grams off the Pebax foam, only to realize the athlete's fleshy, seventy-kilo body was completely destroying our propulsion metrics.
Sports scientists at the World Athletics governing body are currently reviewing regulations to determine if the shoe is permitted to complete the upcoming Berlin Marathon autonomously. Adidas has reportedly countered by developing a competing super-shoe that simply hallucinates a world record, bypassing the need for physical movement entirely.