Yosemite founder Reed Jobs announced a rapid expansion of his biotech venture firm this week, confirming that eradicating human disease is the only viable strategy to stop journalists from asking him about Apple peripherals.
The venture capital outfit, which recently expanded its team to 17 people, relies heavily on artificial intelligence to identify post-pandemic pharmaceutical breakthroughs and, crucially, to steer conversations away from the ergonomic disaster of his late father’s consumer electronics empire.
"We are seeing a unique window where a cluster of blockbuster drugs are losing patent protection, which gives me a solid 45 minutes of incredibly dense medical terminology to hide behind whenever someone brings up iOS updates," Jobs told attendees during a panel at TechCrunch Disrupt.
Yosemite analysts noted that the firm’s aggressive investment in molecular therapeutics has already yielded promising results, successfully confusing three different industry bloggers who had arrived hoping for an anecdote about Steve Jobs yelling at a mid-level engineer in 2008. By deploying complex biological data at scale, the firm expects to reduce Apple-related inquiries by up to 60 percent by Q3.
According to internal documents, Yosemite’s new screening tools evaluate potential biotech startups based on two primary metrics: their clinical viability in treating advanced carcinomas, and how quickly their founders can pivot a Q&A session away from the iPhone 4 antenna issue. Jobs has reportedly mandated that all pitch decks include a slide detailing how the underlying science will bore tech columnists into total silence.
If we can synthesize the right proteins, we might finally reach a day where Reed can give a keynote presentation without someone demanding a personal apology for that U2 album forced onto everyone's iTunes.
The firm's ambitious roadmap reportedly hit a minor delay on Tuesday morning after a prominent Silicon Valley investor asked if the upcoming cellular therapy would require a proprietary dongle.