The aerospace manufacturer announced that its latest test flight proved the massive rocket can comfortably haul dozens of completely useless metal objects away from the Earth’s surface and leave them there.
BOCA CHICA, TX — Following a successful launch from its South Texas facility, SpaceX confirmed on Tuesday that its upgraded Starship rocket has fully demonstrated the capability to transport a payload of fake internet satellites into the freezing, irradiated vacuum of space and violently expel them.
The closely watched flight, which serves as a key demonstration of the spacecraft's increased power, reached orbit just minutes after liftoff. Once outside the Earth's atmosphere, the towering rocket completed its primary mission objective by opening its payload doors and flawlessly discarding 20 inert, non-functioning Starlink replicas into the abyss.
Previous iterations of Starship struggled to generate the thrust necessary to dump large quantities of inert garbage into the upper atmosphere, but today's flight proves we can securely transport useless debris anywhere in the solar system.
Observers at the launch site reported feeling the immense rumble of the upgraded Raptor engines as the spacecraft tore through the stratosphere, carrying its precious cargo of inanimate test weights toward their eternal, silent orbit. According to telemetry data, the ejection mechanism operated perfectly, ensuring the dummy satellites were cast away with enough velocity that they will never return.
SpaceX noted that the rocket’s enhanced thrust will allow future missions to abandon even larger, more complex dummy payloads, with the ultimate goal of successfully leaving a completely fake human colony on the surface of Mars by the end of the decade. The company confirmed that the 20 newly deployed dummy satellites are currently performing flawlessly, doing absolutely nothing as they circle the planet at 17,500 miles per hour.