Following a recommendation from the closely held company’s board, private investors enthusiastically agreed to hold the exact same percentage of the aerospace firm in a significantly higher number of unsellable chunks.
HAWTHORNE, Calif. — Following a strong recommendation from the closely held company’s board of directors, SpaceX shareholders overwhelmingly voted on Thursday to divide their completely illiquid equity into five smaller pieces.
The 5-for-1 stock split, which instantly quintupled the number of shares held by employees and private backers, was hailed as a major milestone for investors who still have absolutely no mechanism to sell them on a public market. According to internal documents, the move successfully reduces the hypothetical price of each individual piece of paper, allowing shareholders to feel significantly more prosperous while maintaining the exact same fractional ownership of a company they cannot currently cash out of.
Financial analysts noted that while public corporations typically execute stock splits to make their shares more accessible to retail investors, SpaceX’s private status means the maneuver functions primarily as a psychological exercise. By multiplying their holdings by five, long-term investors are now able to experience the tactile satisfaction of opening their portfolio dashboards, deleting a smaller number, and typing in a larger one.
This split is a crucial step in ensuring that our dedicated employees have five times as many shares to look at longingly while trying to qualify for a mortgage.
Trell added that the board had initially considered a 10-for-1 split, but determined that multiplying the unsellable assets by that much could cause investors to become dangerously euphoric about their completely theoretical net worth. He confirmed that the newly minted shares will continue to sit quietly in heavily restricted brokerage accounts, just as the original, un-split shares did.
Industry insiders suggest the maneuver was largely intended to placate a restless workforce that has spent the last decade building reusable rockets while watching their peers at publicly traded tech firms sell stock to purchase mid-sized sedans. The board reportedly hopes that the sheer volume of new shares will temporarily distract the staff from the fact that their compensation remains permanently locked inside a corporate entity controlled by a mercurial billionaire.
At press time, SpaceX leadership was reportedly issuing a company-wide memo reminding staff that they are still not allowed to trade the new, smaller shares for groceries.