Neko Health, the proprietary body-scanning startup founded by Spotify CEO Daniel Ek, announced Tuesday it had closed a $700 million funding round aimed at providing venture capitalists with real-time analytics on the human organ system.
Neko Health, the proprietary body-scanning startup founded by Spotify CEO Daniel Ek, announced Tuesday it had closed a $700 million funding round aimed at providing venture capitalists with real-time analytics on the human organ system.
The Swedish startup, which couples 360-degree dermal mapping with comprehensive bloodwork to assess patient health, stated the new capital will allow them to scale their diagnostic pods globally and push a long-overdue UI update to the circulatory system. Venture capital firms were reportedly swayed by Ek’s pitch, which framed human biology not as a fragile mortal vessel, but as a legacy codebase that simply requires more compute to run efficiently.
For thousands of years, humans have had to guess what their internal organs were doing based on vague, unquantifiable error logs like 'pain' or 'fatigue,'" said Kieran Hauk, Director of Cellular Onboarding at Neko Health. "By approaching the immune system from first principles, we can finally give users the metrics they need to identify which of their vital organs are bottlenecking their daily output.
The $700 million injection will also fund Neko Health's ambitious product roadmap, which includes upgrading their diagnostic lasers to automatically detect and deprecate aging cells before they cause a breaking change in a patient's biological stack. Internal documents note the company is currently dogfooding the new hardware on its own executive board, successfully mapping over 50 million data points per scan to confirm that everyone in the C-suite is still going to live forever.
At press time, Ek was reportedly standing inside one of the company's glowing circular diagnostic pods, calmly asking technicians how much additional seed capital it would take to achieve root access to his own nervous system.