Apple executives are reportedly inconsolable after discovering that integrating generative AI into iOS will compel the company to do the one thing it hates most: significantly increase the retail price of its flagship device.
CUPERTINO, CA — Describing the situation as a heavy burden on the company’s conscience, Apple CEO Tim Cook announced Tuesday that the staggering costs of artificial intelligence research have left the tech giant no choice but to realize its long-held dream of selling a $1,500 iPhone.
Speaking to investors in a somber, hushed tone, Cook explained that the compute power required to run large language models on mobile devices has created an "unsustainable" financial environment. According to the chief executive, this devastating reality has completely tied the company's hands, forcing Apple to reluctantly tack an extra three hundred dollars onto the price of a device that costs roughly four hundred dollars to manufacture.
The new AI capabilities, which will empower users to generate custom emojis of golden retrievers and automatically summarize text messages they have already read, require billions in server infrastructure. Apple leadership stressed that they take absolutely no pleasure in passing these costs onto the consumer, noting that the finance department wept openly while drafting the revised, record-breaking revenue projections.
We spent months running the numbers, desperately searching for any possible scenario where we wouldn't have to massively inflate our retail margins, but the math is ruthless.
Internal sources report a deeply emotional atmosphere at Apple Park, where hardware teams reportedly worked through the weekend in a futile attempt to optimize the neural engine. The engineers had hoped to spare the consumer, only to discover that the only technically viable solution was introducing a new titanium-clad "iPhone Pro Max Ultra" tier starting at $1,699.
At press time, a visibly exhausted Cook was seen bravely signing off on a plan to remove the display glass from the base model iPhone in order to help customers shoulder the painful, AI-mandated price hike.