Surrounded by a phalanx of silent Silicon Valley executives, the president issued a sweeping executive order demanding that the nation's servers show a little backbone.
WASHINGTON — Flanked by industry leaders who had been summoned to the White House, President Donald Trump signed a highly anticipated artificial intelligence cybersecurity directive on Thursday, officially mandating that the nation’s algorithms and data centers stop acting so weak and learn to defend themselves.
The executive order, which Trump described to the gathered tech executives as "the toughest on the cyber in the history of our country," bypasses traditional encryption frameworks in favor of ordering domestic databases, cloud networks, and large language models to immediately begin fighting back against foreign adversaries instead of just sitting there and taking it.
The president's approach represents a paradigm shift in how we handle digital infrastructure. By making it illegal for code to have vulnerabilities, we can bypass decades of tedious encryption work and simply rely on the software's fear of federal prosecution.
Industry figures invited to the signing ceremony reportedly nodded thoughtfully as the president explained that artificial intelligence needs to be "more loyal" to the United States. During a lengthy digression, Trump suggested installing large, physical padlocks on the outside of data centers and repeatedly asked Apple CEO Tim Cook why iPhones couldn't just electrocute hackers through the screen. Several executives were seen quietly calculating the massive defense contracts they would secure in exchange for pretending the four-page document contained a coherent technical framework.
At press time, the Department of Homeland Security had already begun drafting guidelines to test whether federal firewalls were sufficiently patriotic, while a beta version of OpenAI's ChatGPT was reportedly placed under investigation for failing to adequately praise the president’s digital strategy.