SAN FRANCISCO — In a major update to its pricing model, Uber Eats announced Thursday the nationwide rollout of a new $3.50 mandatory surcharge applied to orders whenever the assigned delivery driver is currently having a very weird day.
SAN FRANCISCO — In a major update to its pricing model, Uber Eats announced Thursday the nationwide rollout of a new $3.50 mandatory surcharge applied to orders whenever the assigned delivery driver is currently having a very weird day.
The fee, which appears dynamically on the checkout screen alongside local taxes and standard delivery charges, is triggered by a proprietary algorithm that evaluates if a courier is giving off profoundly unsettling energy. According to a technical white paper published by the company, the system calculates the fee in real time by analyzing irregular braking patterns, prolonged periods spent staring blankly into the middle distance outside a local Wendy's, and the frequency of heavy, unprompted sighing detected through the driver's smartphone microphone.
Uber executives stressed that the pricing adjustment is a necessary reflection of the emotional labor required by the consumer when a curbside transaction briefly pivots into an uninvited psychodrama.
We recognized early on that receiving a lukewarm burrito from a man who desperately needs to talk about his recent custody hearing carries a heavy psychic toll, and we had to find a way to price that reality into the stack.
Customers who are assessed the fee receive a push notification warning them that their driver, Kevin, has been listening to an uninterrupted six-hour audio documentary about the Knights Templar and will likely maintain prolonged, unblinking eye contact during the food handoff. While users cannot opt out of the charge, the app now provides a real-time tracker of the driver's current mood state, ranging from "Mildly Detached" to "On The Verge Of A Breakthrough."
At press time, Uber confirmed it was already developing a follow-up feature for its premium Uber One subscribers, allowing users to pay an additional $8 flat rate to entirely bypass couriers who look like they are about to ask to come inside and use the bathroom.